I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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