saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
