she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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