Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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