Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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