he puts the penis in happiness.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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