On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
