Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
As shirtless as possible
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
