What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
