No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
