Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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