i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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