you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
