Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
