doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
