Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
If i come over, it means nothing
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
