I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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