If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
