last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I think i peed on brittanys purse
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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