You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
