What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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