I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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