Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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