My underwear smells like fireworks.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just pee around me
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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