ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
