two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just found puke in my bra..
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
