I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
