remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
