I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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