i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
