You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
