I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
