I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
