I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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