WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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