so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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