I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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