K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
