I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
