Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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