I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Operation Purity has been aborted
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
