You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
