you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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