Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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