And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
