I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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