Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
