glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
