I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
