too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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