After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
