I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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