Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
